SEX PARTIES

I’m going to go ahead and let you down (read: relieve) you right now and let you know that what follows is not a report of my personal sex party experience. In fact, I’m in a dry spell that has gone on for so long I’m basically on the way to the nunnery. As it were, epic disinterest in all of the men you’re dating directly affects the amount of action you see. So, whatever you think constitutes a blockbuster dry spell, just double or quadruple it and that’s where you’ll find me. Since I’m not getting any, I thought I’d talk about people who are… in spades. I saw a real opening to expand on something for which I have absolutely zero frame of reference: Sex Parties.

On a sunny Saturday in Fort Mason Park, catching up with girlfriends over a nearly lethal amount of champagne, the subject came up. A friend of a friend apparently attends these "sexy" soirees on the regs and has become so comfortable with doing so that she will, on occasion, casually invite her friends (and, in this case, their siblings – eeek!) to go with her. She quite enjoys them. Good for her. Get your kicks however you can, I guess.

We had to revisit the subject the next day while picnicking in the Presidio because we were out of our minds wine drunk the first time we heard this story. And I don’t mean to position it as any sort of point of pride. It’s just a necessary part of accurately describing our state of being. 

We woke up Sunday serving time for the mistakes of the previous day, took a case of Diet Coke to the roof, sort of looked at each other funny and had one of those “am I on glue or were we told that so and so regularly attends sex parties in New York?” moments. We were not on glue, but I’m not sure it would have made much a difference for me at that point. We began to remember, among other things, being told details of mountable dildo machines controlled by your partner du jour. They are apparently wrapped in cellophane, which is changed before a new partygoer saddles up. Honestly, it was not unlike the recounting of the whole “there were horses, a man on fire and Brick stabbed a man in the heart with a trident” fight scene in Anchorman, except the setting was like a bizarre, sexual Johnny Utah’s. Is this what happens at Johnny Utah's if you do a full venue rental? 

Our fascination with sex parties had two real highlights and a great deal of questions.  First, we couldn’t not picture the dildo thing as a mechanical sex bull and we discussed this at length in an uber across town. Upon exiting, the driver – a middle aged white man on the larger side of the spectrum – turned around to us and said, “Enjoy the bull, ladies!” I lost my mind laughing. I live for shit like that. Second, when we met up with everyone at the Presidio, a place where there were equal parts families and fellow degenerate 20-30 somethings, two of the people joining us were essentially on a first date and another two, a pregnant couple I’d never met. That did not stop us from diving right back in.

Afterwards, I’d noticed our friend’s date didn’t have a lot to say about sex parties. My friend turned to me and said (screamed,) “What would you have done if someone who just flew across the country to stay with you for the first time casually drops that she grabbed a bottle of champagne and showed up to a BYOB sex party with her sister, only to be turned away for not being on some list!” Fair point. Fair point that keeps making me laugh out loud by myself each and every time I think about it.

The following is a list of the top 25 questions we have about sex parties. I entered this into the Notes on my iPhone under “Sex Party Questions:” as if anyone would read these questions and have any doubt in their mind about the subject.

1. How do you find out about Sex Parties?
2. Does someone invite you… like a book or supper club?
3. How are they hosted? If you go to one, do you then have to host the next one?
4. When it comes to the mechanical sex bull (Sexual Johnny Utah’s for you NYers) does it have to be cellophane or does your average saran wrap to the trick
5. Who is the person who changes the cellophane? How do get saddled with (get it!) this requirement? We assumed tin foil is out because ouch.
6. What is the layout like? Private rooms? Couches everywhere? Where do you have the sex?
7. Hotness factor. Do you want to be the hottest one there? Who gets the fugs?
8. What is the age restriction and/or requirement?
9. What happens if you want to say NO to someone or something? Is it a total place of yes? Like improv or a Weight Watchers meeting?
10. Is there any sort of payment process? Who pays for the mechanical sex bull and the near-deadly amount of drinks it would take for most people to think this is a good idea?
11. How do you know when a sex part ends? Do you hang out after you have sex with someone? Are there after parties (Spoiler: we found out that yes, there are after parties and sometimes, naked yoga. You cannot make this shit up.)
12. Are there goodie bags? (aside from, I have to imagine, an Rx for herpes medication)
13. Is there a dress code? Are there theme nights for dress and/or kind of sex?
14. What is the protection situation and/or screening process?
15. Are there gonna be snacks?
16. Is this a weekend or weeknight thing? Or both? Are sex parties always just happening?
17. How are you not terrified of someone snapping a pic of people slapping D’s across your face?
18. Is it like fight club in that you don’t talk about it? (It’s clearly not like fight club.)
19. Does every party have some sort of mechanical sex ride?
20. Do you have more than one partner each night?
21. Bathroom etiquette?
22. Are these people in a relationship or is this what you do when you’re not in a relationship?
23. If you’re into this and want to strike out on your own, how does one start a sex party?
24. Is “sex party” really just a euphemism for an orgy?
25. And finally, is there a black market for all the leftover underwear? I bet there is. People are weird. And will buy anything.

Now, this is sort of an anticlimactic ending, but basically being celibate combined with having never attended (or been invited to!) a sex party leaves me with little other choice in the matter. I do, however, welcome insight into this fascinating underworld as well as additional questions we might have missed. Let’s get weird.