Mom: How's it all going?
Me: Good, I guess. I'm still seeing the Florida guy and IA. They both seem to like me (...at least until they find out about this blog I have).
Mom: It must be your hair color.
Me: Mom, I think you're supposed to be a little more encouraging than assuming someone your only daughter has been seeing for almost two months must like her solely on account of her hair color.
Mom: Well, they like girls with dark hair.
Me: OK, I see we've entered the stereotyping phase of this conversation. I think we're done here. But really Mom, if anything, I'd have to imagine they'd generally prefer blonds. It's comparatively more exotic.
That's just a typical conversation between the Mothership and me, spending five minutes talking about my personal life before she inevitably changes the subject to tell me about some deal she got on Suze Orman style jackets at TJ Maxx and lets me know that she's basically cut out and snail mailed me half the Jacksonville newspaper. Because why not just tell me to go to the paper's website and find the articles digitally? Forget it.
Mom: There's this really interesting article on how you shouldn't be posting all of this stuff on Facebook.
Me: Mom, I'm definitely putting this whole conversation on FB as soon as we're off the phone.
Mom: Jennifer!
Me: K, mom, gotta run. I've got to get out and peddle these brunette locks of mine while the getting is good.
So I don't have a horrible date story to follow here. I thought I would post a real gem of an email I got the other day. Minus the poor kid's email/phone number, here is what he sent me, verbatim... well, verbatim with my internal monologue as I was reading . This is what I'm dealing with, people:
hi jen, [already losing points - I'm Jenn with 2 n's - also I didn't realize we were on a nickname basis yet]
good afternoon!! how are you? my name is som - rhymes w/ ohm - and i'd love to get to know more about you. how was your wknd?
i live near princeton, nj, and work in finance. at present, i am helping a couple of friends with raising capital for their start-ups. i'm a former journalist w/ an mba.
activities wise, i am pretty much up for anything..i enjoy movies, theater, cooking, jazz music, reading nonfiction, surfing the net [wait, are you 65?], watching sports, working out, road trips and more.. [is anyone else feelinga little: "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you, but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more..."]
my personality is also an interesting mix..i'm loving, giving, caring, passionate sexual [WHAT - seriously?!], gregarious, generous, aggressive and patient. [aggressive and patient? so you're bipolar? NEAT!]
you can also find me on fb/linkedin/skype under som _________. feel free to google me as well. [There's no crying in baseball! You can't just openly encourage e-stalking! That takes the fun out of it!]
som
som- - - - - - - - @gmail.com
(646) xxx xxxx
Oh, Som rhymes with Ohm, you are the 2nd person who has openly encouraged me to google them recently. Is this what people do now, because it's super weird. Right? Is nothing private anymore? And not to belabor the point, but that really takes all the fun out of it. If I'm into you later on, please trust that my friends and I are going to e-search the shit out of you. What? I'm a girl. It happens. As for now, please know you've dodged a bullet with my lack of interest. On to the next shiny object. There's an NYPD officer who has just reached out. He is not an attractive man, but again, he's NYPD. Not sure you can pass that up... at least once. Just to try it. Yes? Thought so.
Until the next failed romance,
Vennifer.
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